The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing: Resentment, Exhaustion, and Broken Connections

People-pleasing often leads to resentment, exhaustion, and broken relationships.

What Keeps Coming Up in the Therapy Room- Part 3

One theme that keeps showing up in my counselling office is this: people-pleasing. Clients often come to me drained, frustrated, and quietly resentful—but struggling to understand why they feel this way when they’ve spent so much energy keeping everyone else happy.

At the heart of people-pleasing is fear. Fear of hurting others. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of being unloved or left alone. So instead of setting boundaries, many keep saying “yes,” even when everything inside of them is screaming “no.”

And while it might look like kindness on the outside, inside it leaves scars: exhaustion, resentment, and disconnection from self and others. Click here to learn more about how to break free from people pleasing.

Fear and What It’s Really Saying

When someone tells me, “I can’t say no,” I often ask: What do you fear will happen if you do?

The answer varies, but usually it reveals something deeper—fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of being unworthy of love. These fears are valid, but they also show that the lack of boundaries isn’t just a “habit.” It’s a way of protecting ourselves from deeper wounds.

The problem is that this protection doesn’t actually protect us. Instead, it creates relationships built on unspoken resentment, hidden exhaustion, and the quiet hope that “maybe one day they’ll notice all I’ve done for them.”

Why Boundaries Protect, Not Harm

Boundaries are not about pushing people away—they are about keeping relationships safe and sustainable. Think of them as guardrails. Without them, we either crash into others, or we crash into ourselves.

When you never say no:

• You end up doing things out of obligation, not love.

• You start to feel invisible or unappreciated.

• You carry silent resentment, which eventually leaks out in passive-aggressive comments, distance, or burnout.

Boundaries, on the other hand, allow love to flow without resentment. They create honesty. They teach others how to love us well.

Boundaries in Different Parts of Life

• Family: Saying no to unrealistic expectations from parents, siblings, or extended family keeps love intact instead of suffocating.

  
  

• Friendships: True friends can handle your honesty. If they only stick around when you’re always available, that’s not friendship—that’s convenience.

  
  

  

  The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing: Why Saying Yes Leads to Resentment and Burnout

  
  

• Romantic relationships: Without boundaries, couples often spiral into cycles of resentment, where one gives too much and the other takes too much. Healthy boundaries make room for mutual respect.

  
  

• Workplace: Many clients struggle with burnout because they say yes to every extra task. Boundaries protect your mental health and prevent career resentment.

The Link Between People-Pleasing and Resentment

I often tell clients: If you never say no, resentment will say it for you later.

When we constantly give beyond our limits, we don’t feel loving—we feel used. And resentment is often the hidden voice of all the unsaid “no’s” we were too afraid to express.

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling provides a safe space to explore these fears and patterns. Together, we can ask:

• What’s behind my people-pleasing?

• Where do I struggle to set boundaries, and why?

• What do I believe will happen if I say no?

• How can I begin practicing boundaries without fear of losing everyone I love?

Many clients find that when they learn to set boundaries, they don’t lose connection—they gain it. Relationships become more authentic, less draining, and filled with more mutual respect.

Final Thought

If people-pleasing, exhaustion, and resentment feel familiar to you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common struggles I see in the therapy room. And it’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign that your relationships matter deeply to you.

But you deserve to feel loved for who you are, not just for what you do. Boundaries are not selfish. They are the pathway to healthy, lasting connection.

If you’re in Winkler, Morden, or the surrounding communities, I’d love to help you begin this journey. I also offer online counselling across Canada. You don’t have to keep carrying the hidden cost of people-pleasing.